About two weeks ago, I was in a room with ten other women. We had all signed up for a Yoga for Cancer workshop at Triyoga Chelsea, and we were sitting in a circle, going around and introducing ourselves.

As each person spoke, I discovered women that had been living with different types of cancer for years. One woman had been diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer seven years ago. Another had explained how she wanted control back in her life for living with cancer; she had been diagnosed with breast cancer four years ago. They seemed so together. So ok.

My name is Caroline. I was diagnosed with breast cancer two months ago. I had a mastectomy a month ago…

I broke down.

When I saw the Christmas tree images appear on my Instagram feed last weekend, it was the weirdest thing. There are usually key milestones that I associate with the Christmas period officially starting.

• The Coca Cola Santa ad.
• The Toys R Us ad.
• The John Lewis ad.
• The turning on of the Christmas lights on Oxford Street.
• The discussion of office secret santa gifts.
• The office Christmas party.

Since this all began, I’d lost track of the days and months. Somehow it was December. Somehow I’d missed the first five things on the list. But, the work party? No, no, no. I was not going to miss this.

The hair is cut. I’d been freaking out about it for the last couple of months, but it finally happened yesterday.

For the first week back home, I was mentally adjusting to the “new me”. Caroline 2.0.

From the left collar bone to the top of my breast I felt nothing. If I touched my left side, I felt nothing. I would also get an occasional itch near the crease of my left armpit; but if I scratched it, I felt nothing. I wasn’t really sure what to do with “it”. This was now what I was going to be living with. I knew the nerve endings were going to grow back, but when? The sensations of numbness and tingling were all on my left side. All I wanted was the feeling to come back. It would come back right?

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